#67 Andrew

Andrew woke up to find his mouth filled with ice cream. But this wasn't ice cream at all. It was a family of rats.

#66 Deborah-Lee

Deborah-Lee watched it rise in the oven. It would be the most delicious cake to ever kill a secretary. She'd create sugar roses for the top.

#65 Trudy

Trudy spent an hour getting ready for the surprise party. When she got there, she realized the surprise was in fact that she wasn't invited.

#64 Georgie Porgie

Georgie Porgie pudding and pie, kissed the girls and was put on trial for sexual harassment.

#63 Samuel

As he walked to his blind date, Samuel prayed it wasn't his cousin again, she always tried to slip him the tongue. And then the bees came.

#62 Lorraine

Lorraine watcher her husband clip his toenails. Once he left the room, she would collect them, put them in her mouth and try to whistle.

#61 The Children

The Children sat behind the couch, trying to be as quiet as possible, but the tiger could smell their delicious thighs from the other room.

#60 Jeanine

Jeanine walked through the zoo, stood at the tapir enclosure and wept. "Oh, Charles" she wailed.

#59 Manfred

Manfred wasn't able to join his friends at the cinema, he was too busy dusting his collection of antique petrified children.

#58 Constance

Constance quickly looked through the files. It would be difficult, but it wouldn't be the first time she'd have to try to kill her mother.

#57 Audrey

Audrey didn't have enough change for her bagel. She thought she did, but she didn't. She turned to leave the store- And then the bees came.

#56 Marlene

Marlene's scuba tank had been tampered with. She didn't know who replaced the oxygen with nacho dipping cheese, but they would pay.

#55 Winifred

Winifred never felt more at peace than when she was drinking ale from the skulls of her enemies.

#54 The Dentist

By day, everybody knew him as "Brad", but when the lights went out, and the latex was on, he liked to call himself "The Dentist".

#53 Mother

Mother always started her day with a cool glass of orange juice, two slices of toast and eight valium. Then the day really began.

#52 Esther

Had Esther not been born a vacuum, she would have been a Marxist. Or a blond. But never both.

#51 Cyril

Cyril touched his face, covered his body in butter and moaned in a C flat. It was going to be a good monday.

#50 Samantha

For her birthday, Samantha decided to host a picnic. She prepared a lavish banquet and invited all her friends. And then the bees came.

#49 Leroy or whatever

The divorce was difficult for the boy. Mainly because he realized his parents had no idea what his name was. Leroy or whatever, who cares?

#48 Chauntelle

Everyone was looking at Chauntelle. She felt like the most popular girl at the disco. She wasn't, people were staring in fear and disgust.

#47 Simone

Simone desperately searched the pages of the magazine- but she never found shoes to go with her personality, because she was a total bitch.

#46 Grace

Grace picked up the donkey and with all her force, threw it at her father. That'll teach him, she thought.

#45 Meg

Meg stumbled into the hallway and checked herself in the mirror. It would have been a lot easier if her head was still attached, she thought

#44 Frank

Frank found a penny, picked it up, and all day long he really did have good luck. And then the bees came.

#43 Maggie

It wasn't that the Dolphin was particularly sexy, but after it took Maggie to dinner and a movie, she felt it was only polite to put out.

#42 Father Thomas

Confession was his favorite part of the day. Father Thomas never told anyone what he was doing under his robe but he had a feeling they knew

#41 Coach

The soccer game was tied at 2-2. He was desperate, so Coach decided to use his secret weapon, his machete.

#40 Gordon

Gordon cleaned his glasses three times, then went back to disemboweling the moose. He had to hurry if he wanted to get to the movie on time.

#38 & #39, Martha & Victor

Martha came home to find that Victor's 'decapitatron' had worked all too well. This was going to take a lot of mopping.

#37 Josh

Josh washed his hands a few more times. Was it everyones blood, or just his mothers, that seemed to resist industrial cleaning products?

#36 Susan

The submarine felt cramped and claustrophobic. Suddenly, Susan regretted bringing all the bodies with her.

#35 Richard

Richard woke up in a pool of blood to find his wife standing over him, shaving a pig. But where on earth could his glasses be?

#34 Matthew

Matthew knew his coffee tasted slightly unusual. Maybe it was the soy milk, maybe it was the snake venom, he couldn’t tell for sure.

#33 Marie

If Marie were an animal, she would be a cockroach. Because people always find it necessary to crush her children.

#32 Denise

Denise didn't really understand what the policeman had said. Deciding to take the ball-gag out of his mouth was, however, a mistake.

#31 Marty

People thought Marty speaking in rhyme was anything but lame. Too bad for him, and then the bees came.

#30 Monica

Monica was not a very bright girl, so it came as no surprise when a coyote ate her face late one night.

#29 Barbara

In her rush to leave the house, Barbara forgot she had left her children in the oven. Needless to say they were over-done when she got back.

#28 Susan

Susan felt she had no other option than to use her kitten to disarm the thief. Luckily she had stuffed Fluffy with daggers the night before.

#27 Lawrence

It wasn't long until Lawrence realized his telekinesis was really just his obesity playing tricks on him.

#25 & #26, Brian & Emma

Though Brian said he loved her, Emma couldn't help but feel the crossbow pointed at her face was saying something else.

#24 Brian

Brian stood in the middle of the room naked, he knew he was waiting for something, he just couldn't remember what. And then the bees came.

#22 & #23, Wendy & Marge

Wendy and Marge celebrated the acceptance of same-sex marriage in their state. They were so happy! And then the republican bees came.

#21 Dylan

Dylan wanted to be cool like all the other kids his age, but his mom wouldn't let him play with such riffraff. Being thirty sure was tough.

#20 Eloise

Religion never played a large role in Eloise's life, until she was burnt at the stake, of course.

#19 Taylor

Taylor went to the aquarium hoping to see exotic marine life. She left with hepititus-B.

#18 Millie

Millie regretted the affair after the doctor failed to announce the gender of the baby- and instead of a cry she heard a faint roar.

#17 Eleanor

Eleanor stirred her drink and gaily remembered the past twenty-four hours with a private smile. And then the bees came.

#16 Gina

Gina eventually lost the staring competition after the giant squid took her so far under the sea that her head exploded

#15 Horatio

Horatio had always wondered what amputated genitalia would look like. Finding out was so very bittersweet.

#14 Pubert

Pubert didn't have many friends, and it had everything to do with the odor that would emit from his hands when he became aroused.

#12 & #13, Mitch & Anna

Mitch told Anna he loved her very much, held out a beautiful ring and proposed. And then the bees came.

#11 April

Tragedy struck when April decided today would not only be roller-skate day, but hold sharp objects in your mouth day, too.

#10 Margaret

It was a hammer, and not curiosity that killed the cat, but only Margaret and the hammer would know for sure.

#9 Conchita

Conchita was sixteen, of spanish heritage and nothing morbid ever happened to her. And then the bees came.

#8 Winston

It wasn't that he was a homosexual, Winston's parents just didn't like him that much.

#7 Anita Dong

Anita Dong was a sad child.

#6 Ian

Ian had been told several times not to take them, but it wasn't until his mother dosed the cookies with arsenic, that he finally learned.

#5 Michael

Michael thought about all the people in his life that he loved, and it was then he realized that heroin was the only one to love him back.

#3 & #4, Sarah & Janice

"Janice?" Sarah whispered, "Janice- I just wanted to tell you, that wasn't lime soda, it was bleach." But from Janice came no reply.

#2 Paula

Paula frowned. In the dark everyone looked like her boyfriend. But at which silhouette to aim the gun? This truly was a terrible Wednesday.

#1 Ashley

It was when it gargled hysterically that Ashley realized the toilet was probably not the best method to dispose of kittens.